Friday, September 28, 2007

Dethklok / "The Dethalbum"

(Erik sits in front of keyboard, all senses obliterated by the sonic assault of Dethklok's unrelenting "Dethalbum". He attempts to type review only to find himself unable to focus on the keyboard when he is constantly head-banging to what is shockingly the best metal album he's heard since Mastodon's "Leviathan". The band may be a joke, this review may even be seen as a joke, but goddamn "The Dethalbum" is not.)

(Just as the album is ending, Erik suffers a stroke from an over-dose of manic guitar to the brain. Scientists and medics are baffled by this previously unseen phenomenon. This is Dethklok. They create their own mother-fucking physics and you just have to deal with it or else get the fuck out of their way.)

(Elsewhere, Ronnie James Dio himself plugs into the album and proceeds to piss himself before backing into a corner, shaking, and muttering "my God" over and over again.)

(At some point, Hell opens up on earth and demons and hell-fire destroy all of civilization. Dethklok are appointed the 'Dark Lords of Metal' by Lucifer himself. Lead singer Nathan "Tonto" Explosion then punches Satan in the face for not coming soon enough.)

Rating: 11.o...

(Erik wakes up from his stroke and is finally able to think in a non-metal state of mind. He looks up at the score he originally gave the album, an obvious and unfunny reference to "This is Spinal Tap". He stops, thinks, and then awards the album a more fitting [but equally metal-referenced and unfunny] score)

NEW Rating: 6.66

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