Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Weezer / "Weezer" (The Red Album)

I sat down with Weezer's lead singer and songwriter, Rivers Cuomo, to talk about the group's latest self-titled release.

Erik: Thanks for taking the time to talk to me today. I realize you're very busy promoting the new album.

Rivers: Excuse my manners if I make a scene. (3)

Erik: Uh, okay, no problem. Why would that even be an issue? You seem like a well-mannered guy.

Rivers: 'Cause I'm such a fool. Talk smack and I'm gonna shut you up. (1,2)

Erik: Well, in that case, we'll start this interview in a non-confrontational manner. What do you think of the new album? Are you and the band pleased with how it turned out?

Rivers: Everyone likes to dance to a happy song. If you don't like it, you can shove it. (2,3)

Erik: (mutters) You may want to ignore my rating then.

Rivers: You wanted arts and crafts? How's this for arts and crafts? (lunges forward, eventually restrained) (1)


Erik: Look, I get it. You're pissed because "Make Believe" was horrible, so to counteract it you've sought to release an album with the goal of making yourselves look like cool bad-asses.

Rivers: You hate for the kids to think you've lost your cool. (3)

Erik: You may feel that way, but you didn't make your name or your mark by being "cool". Your debut album was the antithesis of the "cool" rock star album. I mean, hell, you say in "Garage" that you have a poster of Peter Criss in your garage. It doesn't get much less cool than that, but people loved it. I mean, let's be honest, Rivers. Lyrics suggesting you "stab the corpses [of roadkill] and lick the knives like we're evil forces" don't sound anywhere close to convincing coming from the guy who looks "just like Buddy Holly".

Rivers: Sorry, but we just missed. Not a single damn thing was true. (7)

Erik: Exactly! And that's why this album is so, well, atrocious. Plus, did you really think a line like "I will protect you, never disrespect you; but if you need love then I'll be here to sex you" would ever have any place in any song on any album? It's like you guys aren't even trying.

Rivers: I got the money and I got the fame! I'm the tops, I'm the king! (2)

Erik: No, you're just the leader of a band who doesn't realize how meaningless they've become. I mean, hell, you guys made "Pinkerton"! What happened? Since that stroke of genius, you waited five years, released two lackluster albums, and then dropped two steaming piles of shit and expected your fans to not notice the smell. Aren't you at least a little ashamed or disappointed in yourself?

Rivers: How do oceans connected by a straw get something through? (9)

Erik: (sigh) It was nice talking to you, Rivers. See you at the county fair in six years.

Rivers: Peace, shalom, peace, shalom, peace, peace, peace, shalom, peace, shalom, peace, peace. (10)

Rating: 1.5

(1) "Troublemaker"
(2) "The Greatest Man that Ever Lived"
(3) "Pork and Beans"
(7) "Thought I Knew"
(9) "Automatic"
(10) "The Angel and the One"


Josh said...

whaddya think of tha carter iii

Erik said...

I've only heard four songs out of 16 so far. I've been listening to the new Silver Jews and Shearwater albums lately.

"Mr. Carter" is really good though.

matt said...

to be fair, rivers mentioned his ace frehley poster before the one of peter criss. i always assumed that he was just talking about a KISS band poster and that gene simmons and paul stanley didn't fit in the lyrics. i have a black light KISS poster. i cannot begin to tell you how much i really just want to cut out criss.

on a sidenote, you should review all 4 KISS solo albums, for my entertainment if nothing else.